'The Truth About A Child's Compulsive Lying' Children lie. That is a fact most parents would attest to. They don't seem to need instruction on lying; they don't need encouragement to do so. They just do. Children exaggerate, twist the truth, hide the facts, manufacture stories, and deny the obvious.
Before we consider why children lie, it is essential to recognize that lying may be an early indicator of a more severe problem. Compulsive lying has often been indicated in the early stages of children suffering from social behaviour disorders, primarily that of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and Conduct Disorder.
Recognizing that there are "special needs", however, only allows the parent to seek more help. There are still some fundamental reasons why children lie compulsively.
1. Fear. Fear is a common motivator for lying.
2. Habit. Lying can also become a habit formed through constant practice.
3. Modelling. Lying is a commonplace behaviour, and children are subject to lies all the time.
4. Overprediction. Children also lie because they overpredict a reaction.
Do I Punish Lying?
When we get to the "bottom line", many parents want to know if they should punish a child for lying, and if so how.Consider some important issues regarding punishment and lying:
1. Punishment without loving and careful instruction is a useless tool, and one that often leads to excessiveness and abuse.
2. Seek the deeper motivation for the lie and work at the source rather than the symptom.
3. Use punishment as the last option, not the first reaction.
Above all, recognize that the purpose and desire of every parent is to encourage honesty. That is a characteristic, not just a behaviour. When all is said and done, we want our children to love the truth, not to fear it; and to hate lies, not merely the punishment that lying brings.
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Forum News
Our “Discussion Forum” introduces many interesting topics every week.
Here we find a private place to share with others, make friends, and ask questions of the Featured Experts on the site.
This week Cheryl shared with us a site that offers free live teleseminars and audio classes dealing with helping parents of children with ADD/ADHD.
She wrote: "Although directed to ADD children I 'm sure all parents can benefit from it."
Find the site at www.addclasses.com
Several people talked about being encouraged by watching the Olympics, knowing that Michael Phelps has ADD, and seeing him succeed. I posted an article about him that was in the New York Times. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/10/sports/olympics/10Rparent.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin
Here's what Marilyn had to say.
Oh I LOVED LOVED LOVED the last line of that article!
Most people focused on what Michael couldn't do. His mother focused on what he could do.
That's our job: get to know our child, get to know his gifts and nurture his gifts.
Come join us in the discussion forums. You can try it out for only $1.00
Tip of the Week
Here are some ways to organize your child's room so that he can become more independent.
Color code drawers and hangers in his room.
For example, red hangers for shirts, drawers with the red dot for underwear. Then make a chart so he can follow the colors and hang it on his wall. Then you can tell him "Get a pair of underwear from the red drawer, a shirt from the red hanger, and a pair of pants from the blue drawer."
Letting your child with make his own choices gives him a feeling of self confidence and shows your trust in him. Try not to be negative when his choices aren't appropriate. And be very positive and encouraging when he makes a good choice.
Put a chart with words and pictures in the bathroom for times and chores. An example would be brushing his teeth with toothpaste (be explicit) at 7:30.
Put a chart of chores and times for everybody in the kitchen or in a family area. It will help your family be more organized as well as make your child remember his responsibilities.
Learn more on how to help your child with learning difficulties at
DealingWithLearningDisorders.com
Feel free to leave comments.
Talk with you next week. Robin Dicks
Posts
I agree that when your child is not telling the truths there is usually something deeper behind and that is your responsibility as a parent to find the real reason behind their act.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right when you say look at the source of action. I usually word it "Don't look at the behavior, look at the reason for the behavior".
ReplyDeleteI think this understanding is the reason my son and I don't end up in a lot of power struggles--at least not yet. He's only 4, my time may not have arrived yet.
I think our culture is very shallow when it comes to dealing with behavior. Maybe it's the "instant" focus of everything we do as Americans. We want answers and we want them now.
We don't take the time to look deeper and see what's really going on. We just want the behavior to stop, so we deal with the behavior.
It's like giving someone with appendicitis a painkiller and sending them home without doing the surgery to remove the appendix.
When dealing with the symptoms and without the causes, everybody suffers.